Tag Archives: Trump

Trump’s Grinning Rictus Is the Creepiest thing in shocking photo with Pope Francis and “Others.”

Wednesday, 24 May 2017 – VATICAN CITY

Pope Francis greeted Donald Trump today in his private study on the third floor of the Apostolic Palace and posed for a photo op with the U.S. President and his wife and daughter—along with several unexpected apparitions that were unseen by the naked eye but appeared in the photograph and were audible to photographer, Marco Mezzasalma—according to a statement made by an anonymous Vatican interpreter. 

“Mr. Mezzasalma had set up for the photoshoot,” the interpreter told 336 Journal over the phone. “And then he raised the camera to his eye and said ‘say, cheese’ in English. Immediately, three childish voices could be heard saying, ‘sfigato,’ ‘stronzo,’ and ‘coglione.’ At that moment, I heard one of the Swiss Guards in the room gasp and whisper to another, ‘The American President has stolen the Pope’s smile!’ And then, Mr. Mezzasalma shrieked at what he saw on the screen of his camera, crossed himself, and started to flee from the room before he was tackled by the Swiss Guards.”

After the room was cleared, the Pope spoke privately with Trump for 30 minutes. According to Reuters, it has been reported that Francis gave Trump a small sculptured olive tree and told him through the interpreter that it symbolized peace.

“It is my desire that you become an olive tree to construct peace,” the Pope said, speaking in Spanish.

Trump responded: “We can use peace.”

Francis also gave Trump a signed copy of his 2017 peace message: “Nonviolence – A Style of Politics for Peace” and a copy of his 2015 letter on the need to protect the environment from the effects of climate change.

“Well, I’ll be reading them,” Trump said.

The Vatican and the White House have denied the presence in the photograph of a pair of girls resembling the twins from Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining; a boy that appears to be Damien from the movie, The Omen; and a dead ringer for Harry Potter’s nemesis, Voldemort—in a nun’s habit.

Marco Mezzasalma has mysteriously vanished.

The author wishes to let the reader know that all words in this article written in italics come from the satirical universe next door. The rest of the words are true inasmuch as the reader wishes to believe in the accuracy of the reporting by mainstream media. 

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Martians Unprepared For Trump Mars Mission

When Earth President Donald Trump signed a bill in March of 2017 authorizing $19.5 billion in funding for NASA, and announced plans for a Mars mission during his first term, some of the citizens of our closest space neighbor expressed both skepticism and alarm.

I reached out to Martian professor of human anthropology, Klaatu Thuvian—currently orbiting Earth in a flying saucer with two of his grad students. 

“We weren’t expecting Earthers to visit for at least fifteen years,” Klaatu tells me in a Skype chat. “We’re not ready. We’re still trying to figure out how to protect ourselves from human viruses and microorganisms. Plus, our minister of human affairs hasn’t received the funds promised for the construction of Trump’s hotel and golf course in our capital city. And, frankly, we feel that Earth people are presently too xenophobic for a successful first contact.”

I ask Klaatu if he had been monitoring the conversation between President Trump and astronaut Peggy Whitson while she was aboard the International Space Station.

“Actually, we heard about Trump’s plan while listening to NPR over the radio,” Klaatu says. His grad students, Barada and Nickto, appear next to him on screen and perform what can be best described as a Saturday Night Live comedy sketch. 

“Tell me, Mars…” Barada says in a perfect imitation of Trump’s voice. “What do you see a timing for actually sending humans to Mars? Is there a schedule and when would you see that happening?”

“You already approved a timeline for the mission to launch in 2033 when you funded NASA, you ridiculous human meat-suit,” Nickto replies in Whitson’s voice. 

“Well, we want to try and do it during my first term or, at worst, during my second term,” Barada says. “So we’ll have to speed that up a little bit, OK?”

“Yeah, well, you should probably cancel the construction of your golf course on the sun,” Nickto sneers. “You’re gonna need the money.” 

The grad students high-six each other and disappear, cackling off-screen.