Category Archives: Satire

Trump’s Grinning Rictus Is the Creepiest thing in shocking photo with Pope Francis and “Others.”

Wednesday, 24 May 2017 – VATICAN CITY

Pope Francis greeted Donald Trump today in his private study on the third floor of the Apostolic Palace and posed for a photo op with the U.S. President and his wife and daughter—along with several unexpected apparitions that were unseen by the naked eye but appeared in the photograph and were audible to photographer, Marco Mezzasalma—according to a statement made by an anonymous Vatican interpreter. 

“Mr. Mezzasalma had set up for the photoshoot,” the interpreter told 336 Journal over the phone. “And then he raised the camera to his eye and said ‘say, cheese’ in English. Immediately, three childish voices could be heard saying, ‘sfigato,’ ‘stronzo,’ and ‘coglione.’ At that moment, I heard one of the Swiss Guards in the room gasp and whisper to another, ‘The American President has stolen the Pope’s smile!’ And then, Mr. Mezzasalma shrieked at what he saw on the screen of his camera, crossed himself, and started to flee from the room before he was tackled by the Swiss Guards.”

After the room was cleared, the Pope spoke privately with Trump for 30 minutes. According to Reuters, it has been reported that Francis gave Trump a small sculptured olive tree and told him through the interpreter that it symbolized peace.

“It is my desire that you become an olive tree to construct peace,” the Pope said, speaking in Spanish.

Trump responded: “We can use peace.”

Francis also gave Trump a signed copy of his 2017 peace message: “Nonviolence – A Style of Politics for Peace” and a copy of his 2015 letter on the need to protect the environment from the effects of climate change.

“Well, I’ll be reading them,” Trump said.

The Vatican and the White House have denied the presence in the photograph of a pair of girls resembling the twins from Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining; a boy that appears to be Damien from the movie, The Omen; and a dead ringer for Harry Potter’s nemesis, Voldemort—in a nun’s habit.

Marco Mezzasalma has mysteriously vanished.



The author wishes to let the reader know that all words in this article written in italics come from the satirical universe next door. The rest of the words are true inasmuch as the reader wishes to believe in the accuracy of the reporting by mainstream media. 

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Martians Unprepared For Trump Mars Mission

When Earth President Donald Trump signed a bill in March of 2017 authorizing $19.5 billion in funding for NASA, and announced plans for a Mars mission during his first term, some of the citizens of our closest space neighbor expressed both skepticism and alarm.

I reached out to Martian professor of human anthropology, Klaatu Thuvian—currently orbiting Earth in a flying saucer with two of his grad students. 

“We weren’t expecting Earthers to visit for at least fifteen years,” Klaatu tells me in a Skype chat. “We’re not ready. We’re still trying to figure out how to protect ourselves from human viruses and microorganisms. Plus, our minister of human affairs hasn’t received the funds promised for the construction of Trump’s hotel and golf course in our capital city. And, frankly, we feel that Earth people are presently too xenophobic for a successful first contact.”

I ask Klaatu if he had been monitoring the conversation between President Trump and astronaut Peggy Whitson while she was aboard the International Space Station.

“Actually, we heard about Trump’s plan while listening to NPR over the radio,” Klaatu says. His grad students, Barada and Nickto, appear next to him on screen and perform what can be best described as a Saturday Night Live comedy sketch. 

“Tell me, Mars…” Barada says in a perfect imitation of Trump’s voice. “What do you see a timing for actually sending humans to Mars? Is there a schedule and when would you see that happening?”

“You already approved a timeline for the mission to launch in 2033 when you funded NASA, you ridiculous human meat-suit,” Nickto replies in Whitson’s voice. 

“Well, we want to try and do it during my first term or, at worst, during my second term,” Barada says. “So we’ll have to speed that up a little bit, OK?”

“Yeah, well, you should probably cancel the construction of your golf course on the sun,” Nickto sneers. “You’re gonna need the money.” 

The grad students high-six each other and disappear, cackling off-screen.

Charlie Chaplin’s Inspirational Masterpiece

Advisory Warning: 

Timely, chillingly appropriate, absolutely inspirational. If you are shell-shocked by current political events and need some inspiration right now you need this.

The Great Dictator was Charlie Chaplin’s first talking picture and it’s a scathing condemnation of Adolf Hitler and Nazi Germany. The speech in this video clip hits every single note perfectly and the music pairing—not original to the film but also spot on perfect—is exquisite. 

Chaplin worked for several weeks on the climactic speech, which was filmed from April to June of 1940 and he delivered it from the heart to the world, as Charlie Chaplin, not the character he was portraying.

Chaplin is expressing his real emotions in the scene and he allowed himself to be swept away emotionally by the speech. And he did it in one take with cameras zeroed in on him, surrounded by hundreds of extras. 

This version is a level-up from the original (in my opinion) with a sweeping instrumental by Hans Zimmer—borrowed from the film Inception, directed by Christopher Nolan.

Chaplin spent two years working on the movie, assiduously studying newsreels of Hitler—who had banned Chaplin’s films in Germany because he didn’t want to be ridiculed as a comedic doppelgänger of the Little Tramp. 

The comedian copied every gesture and mannerism of the man he once said gave “a bad impersonation of me.” His portrayal of a Jewish barber living in the ghetto who impersonates a very familiar fascist dictator by the name of Adenoid Hynkel is gold


Ironically, Chaplin and Hitler were more alike than either man would dare to admit, had they known of the similarities. They were born four days apart, both revered their mothers, and both men had ugly drunks as fathers. They also sported the same type of mustache. And they were both phenomenal actors.

This scene makes me want to become a phenomenal activist—to fight against the machine men with their machine hearts and machine minds.

Charlie is watching.

***

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I don’t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone, if possible—Jew, Gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness  not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful but we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men’s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical. Our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery we need humanity. More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost . . . 

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men—cries out for universal brotherhood; for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world—millions of despairing men, women, and little children—victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people.

To those who can hear me, I say—do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed; the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass and dictators die and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

Soldiers! Don’t give yourselves to brutes – men who despise you – enslave you – who regiment your lives – tell you what to do – what to think and what to feel! Who drill you – diet you – treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men – machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate – the unloved and the unnatural! Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty!

In the 17th Chapter of St Luke it is written: “the Kingdom of God is within man” – not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people have the power – the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

Then – in the name of democracy – let us use that power – let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world – a decent world that will give men a chance to work – that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfil that promise. They never will!

Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people! Now let us fight to fulfil that promise! Let us fight to free the world – to do away with national barriers – to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness. Soldiers! in the name of democracy, let us all unite!

~ Charles Chaplin (1940)


Trump Tweets from the Universe Next Door

Imagine if you will that you’re a computer hacker and you manage to hack into Trump’s twitter account…

What is the first thing you tweet as the human cheeto?

This is the scenario proposed by a member of a Facebook group that I joined last year—a group of people that are fans of The Bugle – Audio Newspaper for a Visual World—and I often go there for just for the witty banter which seems to be in short supply these days in social media. 

Here’s a sampling of some of the tweets…


~Edward Taberner

~Darren Stephens

~Bill Royal

~Richard La Rosa

~Justin Driskill

~Luis E. Hestres 

~ Barbara Merrin 


Thanks, Barbara, for the idea.


***


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PEOTUS REX

I still haven’t read the BuzzFeed News article from yesterday that claims (among other sordid things) that President-Elect Big Business was involved in “perverted sexual acts” during a trip to Moscow. Allegedly, Trump employed “a number of prostitutes to perform a ‘golden showers’ show in front of him.”

That’s right—apparently the Donald was involved in a Soviet urination sex show at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton hotel, according to a leaked report from Russian intelligence sources.

It seems that Trump had specifically requested the same room that Barack and Michelle Obama had stayed in during an official trip to Russia—so that he could defile the bed in which they had slept.

And, of course, the news was gleefully received by millions of Trump’s online adversaries that proceeded to take the piss out of him—to use poetically appropriate slang terminology from the commonwealth.

This is Internet information warfare at its lowbrow finest.

I found out about the story last night while having a pint at the pub, without actually knowing any of the details of the story, when I opened Twitter to post a message.

This is what I saw in the twitter feed:

Way to go, Nashville, Tennessee!

And this Emma Swift person took the photo of the Nashville toilet bowl last week, eerily foreshadowing the golden showers story and providing fresh context for this fortuitously embarrassing meme. The sticker had already been made!

Meanwhile, Tyler Durden—yes, the fictional character from Fight Club—is reporting that the story is a fake news prank by 4chan and that both BuzzFeed, CNN, and the CIA got played.

I dunno if the golden showers story is true or false or if anything in the alleged Russian intelligence report is true, but I’m beginning to understand how a specific bias can lead to the desire to remain blissfully ignorant of the truth.

I want to believe.

Buckle up, my friends—it’s the golden age of mockery and we are in for a hell of a ride.


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BREAKING NEWS: This man, in a video uploaded to YouTube in May of 2011, claims to have given Donald Trump a golden shower. 

And (allegedly) Trump LOVED IT!